how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
