Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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