Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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