i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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