Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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