until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
