It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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