There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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