So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize