if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
