I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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