Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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