Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(410): View more from Maryland

still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I feel like death gave me a hand job

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(631): View more from New York

I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry

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(562): View more from California

When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.

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