I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
im on a boat
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