I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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