I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
