Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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