I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
