the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A+ Viking dick
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