i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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