i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
