When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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