the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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