So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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