If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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