i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize