I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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