You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
