I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
