Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
