if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
