hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
