This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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