i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I touched a dick in church today
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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