just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
