I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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