bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
