her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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