i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
