Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
