We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
