My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
