I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
