Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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