I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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