Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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