jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
