I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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