I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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