Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
