guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
