come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize