Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
